Odd Passtimes: Sand and Leaf's Joint Mission!
by Ritsu Arasashi
Summary: Kankuro and Naruto team up to make Gaara just like them. Oh, God, help us all.


**De-flower the Kazekage's Innocent Mind**

"So, we have everything, right?" Naruto was laying on his back on Kankuro's bed with his head hanging over the side.

"I think so," Kankuro said as he adjusted one of Karasu's joints. "You planted the stuff?"

"Better," Naruto said, grinning evilly. "I had Matsuri deliver it."

**000**

_Meanwhile, in the Kazekage's office..._

Gaara looked up at the knock on the door. "Come in."

"Gaara-sama!" Matsuri sang as she opened the door.

Inwardly, Gaara groaned. Matsuri was so damn annoying!

"I brought you some papers," Matsuri continued, holding out a fastened envelope.

Gaara frowned. Why were any papers he needed to see in a _sealed envelope_? He took it from her and was annoyingly aware of how she moved to hover behind him. So annoying. He opened the envelope and dumped the contents onto his desk.

Instead of papers to sign, photographs fell out of the envelope. Photographs of women's...chests.

"Wow, Gaara-sama," Matsuri said, flushing slightly. "I didn't know you were like _that_."

Gaara frowned. "Leave Matsuri, I have a meeting I must get to."

**000**

"So, it didn't work?" Kankuro said.

"Nope," Naruto said. "It just embarrassed Matsuri. Gaara was unaffected as always."

"Damn," Kankuro said. "I thought that would at least get some reaction out of him. It sure did to _me_."

"Don't worry. Plan B is fool-proof," Naruto said confidently.

Kankuro didn't try to ask if it was _idiot_-proof.

**000**

_During the meeting..._

"Kazekage-sama, one of the envoys from Konoha wishes to speak to you."

Gaara frowned. "Very well."

Sai came in, grinning widely. "You know, Kazekage-sama," he said. "They say you can tell how big a man is by how big their hands and feet are."

Gaara scowled. What in the seven hells was he talking about?

The council, however, flushed despite their scowls and hid their hands in their laps.

Sai, still grinning like a Cheshire-Cat, lifted Gaara's wrist and said, "The proof, is in the Kazekage's hand."

"Sai, what have I told you about..." Gaara's voice died in his throat as he heard the council members' slight chuckles. He _did _have rather small hands, but... Gaara remembered that Kankuro had said at one time that a man's hands are sufficient to please himself.

The sand slid around Sai's neck, wrists, and ankles and dragged him outside the room behind Gaara.

"What in the seven _hells _is your problem?" Gaara growled as he slammed Sai against the wall.

Sai grinned. "Just helping a friend."

Gaara scowled. "What?"

"I'm not trying to embarrass you, Gaara-_kun_. Simply showing you about the world."

"Who put you up to this?"

"The Dick-less Wonder and your older brother."

Gaara narrowed his eyes.

Naruto and Kankuro were _dead_.

**000**

"Why do I get the feeling we should start running, but it would be useless?" Naruto said, sitting up suddenly.

Kankuro stared at him incredulously for a moment.

The family photo on Kankuro's night stand tipped and fell.

Naruto and Kankuro stared at each other, their eyes wide with fear.

"Oh, shit," they breathed at the same time.

* * *

-Fin- (Hey, that's actually kinda fun to say.)

Wow. Okay, so this one was longer than the other two but, meh. This idea actually came from me and a friend talking about the whole Oiroke no Jutsu thing and my other fic, The Unbeatable Jutsu, Beaten?, and it hit me: Naruto and Kankuro are probably the two most perverted teens in the series and Gaara spends about 90% of his time with one or the other. Gaa-chan's mind is no longer innocent. T.T

Gaara: Wait...so what _was _Sai talking about?

You can't be serious.

Gaara: As a heart attack.

*sighs* Fine. Come here.

Gaara: *moves closer*

*whispers in his ear*

Gaara: *eyes widen slightly* So...*lifts hand to face* If that's true then...*runs off to "confirm" Sai's theory*

O,e; So... Sand and Leaf's Joint mission, complete. Success or failure? *looks to where Gaara was before* That's for _you_ to decide.


End file.
